stARIAs Awards 2010

A rose by any other name

Sure, I’ve called it the Budget Grammys, but the ARIAs is one of my favourite events of the year [when there are good artists]. 65% of my 8GB ipod is Australian/NZ music, and a fair chunk of that is made up of the 2010 nominated ARIA artists [sorry, Cold Chisel, but y'all ain't cutting it for me no more].

I’ve annoyingly made people listen to my ipod in noisy bars in NY, banged on about my favourite local bands loudly in English in foreign countries, but have always been unable to properly describe Australian music [“kind of indie?”] as opposed to describing Australian film [“kind of wanky!”]. So I’ve made up my own awards from the Australian music night in an attempt for it to describe itself.

“Best word to describe the 2010 ARIAs”

Colourful. From pre-show rockers Bluejuice’s showcase of a potential Benny Bjorn lycra cycling line to (Blonde Bjork‘s) Sia’s traffic-stopping outfit made from actual road construction-wear, the Opera House was popping more aqua, teal, and fuchsia than a gay buck’s night in Amsterdam.

Bluejuice/ABBA collaboration

Which leads me to my next award:

“Breakthrough communication f*ck up of the year”

Hauling ass down East Circular Quay as I was (once again and typically) late, I had enough time to sneer disparagingly at the myriad of teenyboppers dressed alike in their white dresses. Shaking my head at the lack of originality in fashion nowadays, I didn’t understand how my cousin could pick me out so quickly in the sea of people at the Opera House forecourt. Until I looked around. Apparently guests were meant to wear white this year. Obviously, I didn’t get the memo.

I was like the red wine stain on the ARIA white couch. Though it’s always good not to be part of the crowd – the preshow host [contender for “Hosts with Speech Impediments”] exclaimed: “Hot girls in white [good], any one of them could be yours tonight [bad], take your pick [bad].”

“Best facials during thank you speech”

Yumi Stynes after presenting Washington with her Breakthrough Artist award. Psst! You are still in the frame! We can see your smirks, albeit with encouraging wide eyes, as Washington stumbled through her speech.  Unlike Modern Family‘s Eric Stonestreet who knew he was in frame with Washington, and courteously moved out of shot. He (or a camera technician) obviously watched and learned from Yumi - good boy.

“Best Mispronunciation”

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l5iLtoNr3C4&feature=related

“Ah-ra-rias” by MP Bob Katter. Ah! That’s where we were! Those Cheeky Chaser boys and co-presenters, Andrew Hansen and Craig Reucassel, should be contenders for best facials during a presentation speech if they weren’t the only nomination. Also, Sia’s direction to “put it [ARIA award] up your bum later” was priceless. Ah-ra-ouch!

“Most Disappointing Speech”

As much as it pains me to say this, but Golden Boys, Powderfinger, fell from golden grace with their noticeably surprised thank you speech for Most Popular Australian Artist: “What did we win? We weren’t listening.” And their response of “if the price is right” to the question of whether they would return to the Australian music scene ruled more crowd murmurs of “that’s a bit rude” instead of “that’s a bit hopeful.”  But it was their first win of the night, a warm-up let’s say, and they straightened their crooked halos to simultaneously win back the “loving fans who we love” with Most Popular Australian Album for “Golden Rule“.

“Best stage performance”

I personally thought it was John Butler Trio’s ”Revolution“. The slow, steady ballad LCD’d the crowd to run through the fire and flame. And John Butler himself was blazing on his guitar. And I also wanted to give it to my personal fave, Birds of Tokyo, but really, the true winner was Washington’s burlesque “Sunday Best”. She was sexy, confident, dominating. I loved the tuxedo’ed men fawning over and fanning her with peacock feathers, stripping off her pink gown to reveal a lacy and racy red number, and carrying her off her piano. It reminded me of a reverse Robert Palmer “Simply Irresistible”. Actually, Washington reminds me of those girls in that video clip! Hmm…

“More Deserving of Mosh Rage”

This may be bias on my part, and most certainly embarrassment on my part as I was the only one punching the air screaming about my plans to kiss the sun at night, but I really think Birds of Tokyo needed a better reception. Ian Kenny’s lanky frame in front of a screen of buzzing white noise needed more white noise screamed at him. Maybe because their October gig had such a buzz to even get those Amsterdam poppers going, this was more of a coming-down gig for them than the coming-out tour they just finished.  [Though, maybe they were not coming-of-age enough for the young crowd, to whom the ARIAs have been criticised for catering too much towards.]

“Worst presenter recovery”

Lara Bingle’s vacant stare and almost monosyllabic noises made you want to scream “where the bloody hell are ya?” She was certainly speechless after co-host Rebel Wilson’s “My Doppelganger” remark. Couldn’t she reconcile the joke/insult/meaning of doppelganger? Let’s face it – this is a great compliment. Especially if you’re Lara Bingle. Rebel is fantastic and I’d love to be her doppelganger in humour and crumping stylez.

“Best Reason Why Not To Have A Read-Along Script”

Jessica Mauboy’s attempt at throwing a lot of weight on co-presenter Geoff Huegill’s lack of it.  Geoff made out he didn’t know what she said [look at the screen, buddy, it’s written in front of you], because frankly he must be sick of talking about his weight loss, as am I.  Maybe Jess was making yet another crack at his once-was-fat-ass with her mispronounciation of “debut” as “de-butt”. Or she can’t read, whatever. Special mention to Eric Stonestreet – you should look like you’re engaging Rikki-Lee in a conversation if the read-along script calls for it, instead of staring at the camera. And as my father tells my sister to breathe while she eats, blink, guys, BLINK while reading lest you look like stunned rabbits in the headlights of the auto-cue a la Operator Please.

“Happiest Band”

INXS looked so chuffed to be on stage despite being without their most major frontmen – the late Michael Hutchence, noisy, fiery Jon Stevens, and sacked reality TV star JD Fortune. Temporary frontman, Dan Sultan, gave all he had, but he maybe should “Just Keep Walking” lest INXS snap him up as their latest frontman. Run, Dan, run!

“Cutest Speech”

Also a contender for Most Disappointing Speech are Angus and Julia Stone for their Single of the Year award. Clearly shy and unaffected but overwhelmed by their success made them go from cute to mute. Presenter Ronan Keating‘s move of bringing Mum on stage to clear up any awkwardness probably highlighted it, as well as the silence from the brother and sister duo. They were given a second chance with their acceptance speech from their Album of the Year win, which was pre-written [before this award or before the ARIAs? And if it’s the latter, why didn’t they bring it out for the Single of the Year award?]. Julia sweetly asked for permission to read it. They thanked their dog, Maliki, and cat, Buster. Okay, altogether = awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! They also had the cutest set with beautiful fairy globes illuminating Julia as she tapped lightly on her xylophone.

“Best Indication Everyone Likes an Artist if it gets them on TV”

The piano of Guy Sebastian’s finale of “I Like It Like That” was set up two metres in front of me. My crowd neighbours were musing on who it could be, distinctive laments were for Amarosi and Sebastian [who are "sooooo 2008"]. But they all turn into screaming fans if they can get their thumbs and perhaps even a pinkie on the big screen: “Yeahhhhh! I like it like that, Guy!”

“Best Celebrity Crush”

Chaser Andrew Hansen allowed us to chase him down at the after-party [no, he was already standing there talking to other people who we pushed out of the way].  Signing my little notepad “For Keira ♥ Andew Hansen”, allowing my cousin to bang on about how she met him in Crows Nest twice before, and letting me boss him at which camera to look [“Look at the grey camera, because it’s mine”], he is my new favourite. He’s charming and very patient when talking to everyone. [Not like the security guard who took that horrible photo of me below with my mouth open. "Oh, I said one photo and that's it," she sadistically said, smirking at my mid-sentence expression on the camera screen before handing it back unapologetically.] But Mr Nice Guy Andrew kindly posed for a few more closed mouth shots with me on Jen’s camera.

“]

Chasing the Chaser [photo courtesy of Jennifer Vo

Mrs and Mr Hansen, I mean, me with Andrew Hansen.

Overall, good way to end the night. I know some people complained about not all the awards were shown [I'm upset I didn't see BoT accept Best Rock Album but going live is great - no commercials, no models or celebs banging on, mucho cerveza to ignore those TV gaffes].  And complained about the venue. I love the Harbour view gigs at the Opera House Forecourt!!!! Show off our city, baby! It’s gorgeous. Sure its a weird space for gigs, a bit more festival but a bit less Acer Arena too. Always a good thing. Congratulations to all the winners. I enjoyed making fun of most of you on my Fake Arias. ‘Til next year!

Performances, presenters and winners

Preshow

Generation One – good cause, but bad and unfortunate comparisons to Kid Rock rapping [in sound] and the Tin Lids [in presence because they were kids, and in sound because it sounded like actual tin lids being bashed together].

The Pot Belleez – “Hello”

Amy Meredith – “Young at Heart” and “Lying” [Frontman Christian Lo Russo: Knows cuss words, will swear. At every gig I have seen them. Though expletives does pose urgency to "put your f**king hands in the air", kind of like being victim in a hold-up.]

Bluejuice – “Broken Leg”

Powderfinger – “Burn Your Name”

Breakthrough Artist [presented by Yumi Stynes] – Washington

Best Independent Release [presented by Bob Katter, Andrew Hansen and Craig Reucassel] – Sia for “We Are Born”

Sia – ”Clap Your Hands”

Most Popular Australian Artist – Powderfinger [presented by Carmen Electra and Darren McMullen]

John Butler Trio – “Revolution”

Most Popular Australian Single [presented by You Am I’s Tim Rogers, and Kasey Chambers] – Temper Trap “Sweet Disorder”

Birds of Tokyo – “Plans” [introduced by James Mathieson and Jet band member]

Best Male Artist [presented by Stan Walker and V host] – Dan Sultan “Get Out While You Can”

Best Group [presented by Lara Bingle] – Temper Trap

Washington – “Sunday Best” [introduced by Australia’s Next Top Model faux-winner, Kelsey Martinovich, and Ruby Rose]

Most Popular Australian Album [presented by Silverchair’s Chris Joannou and Spick and Specks’s Myf Warhurst] – Powderfinger “Golden Rule”

Best International Artist [presented by Jessica Mauboy and Geoff Huegill] – Mumford & Sons

INXS with Dan Sultan – “Just Keep Walking”

Angus and Julia Stone – “Big Jet Plane“  [Loved the string accompaniments!]

Best Female Artist [presented by Rikki-Lee Coulter and Eric Stonestreet] – Washington

Single of the Year [presented by Ronan Keating and Marcia Hines] – Angus and Julia Stone for “Big Jet Plane”

Album of the Year – Angus and Julia Stone for “Down the Way”

Finale performance – Guy Sebastian “I Like It Like That” complete with orchestral choir and fireworks!